About a year ago I read the book ‘Boys Adrift’ by Dr Leonard Sax and was shocked at the level at which he presented detailed information regarding the damaging effects of phthalates (or plastics) on boys. So damming was the evidence I had a double-take as it sounded like one of those conspiracy theories that are bandied about all too frequently these days. This set me on a path to find out more.

Dr Sax calls refers to oestrogen mimics or endocrine inhibitors and what it basically means is that there is a large amount of oestrogen entering the systems, effecting fish and other animals… and of course we are not separate to this. The glands of the endocrine system and the hormones they release influence almost every cell, organ, and function of our bodies. The endocrine system is instrumental in regulating mood, growth and development, tissue function, and metabolism, as well as sexual function and reproductive processes.

The source of this threat to the endocrine system is identified as phthalates and BPA’s i.e. chemicals in plastics and their origin is fossil fuels.

The primary effect on girls identified is early onset of puberty, for some as early as 8 years old! Weight gain is also attributed to an increase in oestrogen levels.

The primary effects on boys are quite a bit more detailed and I’ll do my best to capture them here. At the core of it is the reduction in testosterone.

• Less bone density – more fractures occurring from minor incidents
• Loss of motivation – increased laziness. ADHD symptoms and resulting medication.
• Increased genital abnormalities and testicular cancer
• Lower sperm count – boys today have a third of the sperm of their grandfathers
• Increased male infertility

All very sobering news and I found the sperm count was compelling as it mentioned that the average sperm count has reduced by considerably more than a third. The accepted average by world health bodies has plummeted and the quality of the sperm seem to be reduced.

There are other factors adversely effecting boys according to Dr Sax, like: the education system, gaming or technology, medication, and the devaluation of masculinity through unhealthy role models in media. But the issue of environmental toxicity is what really made an impact on me.

Managing the household risk

Does a parent need to be a chemical engineer these days? How do we make sense of so much technical and at times conflicting information?

I set about exploring this topic and found a significant amount of information that supports these claims and some that reject it. Sounds familiar? Who can you trust on the internet? It’s always good to look at who funds the research and what investment any spokesman might have in the results.

For me it comes down to ‘where there’s smoke there’s fire’ and ‘can I afford to ignore this risk?’ This is a bit like climate change or global warming, can we afford to ignore it? What precautions do I need to make? I’ll get to my thinking about this in a minute…

I was also concerned that much of the data was from the USA so I contacted Dr Sax to enquire about the relevance of this in Australia as I know that one of his concerns is an agricultural chemical that was banned here about 10 years ago (Endosulphan). I also know that farmers use adjuvants and surfactants (mixed in to help chemicals blend and also stick onto the plant material) and that these also contain phthalates.

Here is a part of Dr Sax’s reply;

For most Australian teenagers, the primary exposure to BPA appears to come from eating canned foods: canned soup, canned pasta, etc. I have been in stores from Brisbane to Hobart to Perth and everywhere the cans are the same as the cans in North America, i.e. the cans are lined with BPA. Of course you will not find this mentioned on the can because BPA is not an ingredient in the pasta; it’s part of the can. No regulation or statute in Australia limits the use of BPA in canned food. The primary exposure to phthalates to Australians comes from cosmetics such as shampoo, creams, suntan lotion etc. Please read chapter 4 of my book GIRLS ON THE EDGE where I explore this topic at greater length.

So the risks for BPA’s are from canned food as well! I’m yet to read Girls on the edge so in the mean time I suggest you do a search on Phthalates and BPA’s and see for yourself how you might make sense of all this! I have included a few links further below.

Here’s what we’ve have done in our home over a period of time. Note we didn’t run out the next day and change this all this at once, in fact some things we were already doing.

• We had already been using chemical free shampoo and toothpaste so that was some relief. We get these from Coles and they cost about the same as any similar product.
• We use less sunscreen especially in winter and when playing sport or going to the beach we do invest in the more expensive and natural sunscreens. We wear hats and keep out of the sun for long periods of time!
• Replaced old plastic drinking cups with tough glasses and for very young children we do have some plastic cups but not the cheapest ones… and we don’t keep them as long.
• Replaced water bottles with metal or glass alternatives
• Microwave in glass or porcelain vessels only (or don’t microwave at all)
• Buy organic fruit and veggies or soak our produce in water & vinegar solution (2 caps) for 10-15 mins. Farmers markets can also be better than the chain stores for produce.
• Get to know the real risks – the cheap water bottles with flexible plastic. If you go for the safer / harder plastics look for the number 5 at the bottom.
• Reduce use of canned goods e.g. bottled spaghetti sauce and real tomatoes over tinned.

These changes have no real effect on our daily life so are easy to achieve and are a part of how we live. My wife Caitlin has always washed our veggies and she’s a country girl so that might say something to you.

Mothers- to-be need to look at their risk management strategy too as there is much evidence to support the foetus being exposed to these toxins AND use glass bottles only. Breastfeeding is clearly the best option.

Here are a few current affairs videos and documentaries from Australia and the USA that I found useful. I suggest you make some time to get a bit more educated with this hazard and decide on what you will do. For me it’s better to be informed that to have my head in the sand.

The toxic truth about BPA’s – http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4BBmkP0N2MY

The Disappearing Male – http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/the-disappearing-male/

And if you thought the ‘BPA Free’ labels were a safe bet, consider this – http://www.naturalnews.com/038856_BPA-free_BPS_toxic_chemical.html

Dr Leonard Sax book ‘Boys Adrift’ – http://www.boysadrift.com/home.php

I welcome your comments and feedback!

Warm wishes…. Andy Roy

We hear stories on the news about the damaging behaviours and the real risk of allowing our young ones exposure to this.

Many parents whose children will be following this teen pilgrimage in the coming years will also be thinking about about this, and they may also be feeling some concerns.

Interestingly it is a ritual for the young that is more controlled and even embraced as a tourism event these days. A good part of this has been to make it safer and less alcohol fuelled. Yet we all know this still happens and there is still a risk.

Most parents want a happy and safe passage for their children into their next phase of life and schoolies week is like a week-long fire-walk that is safe for most, yet we don’t want our children to be one of the statistics.

As parents we hope we’ve been able to instil in them a good moral compass and an ability to hold themselves accountable. Of course this is a gradual process and schoolies is certainly a test of this.

We have a son about to enter year 11 next year and according to all reports, booking schoolies accommodation needs to happen the best part of 2 years beforehand otherwise the cost becomes exorbitant. This is good in that it brings the conversation forward as there are a few things to consider and discuss in these years like parties and school formals. Here’s how we are approaching it…

Who’s in your Village?

We have been cultivating strong friendships with the parents of our sons mates… it’s not actually difficult as in recent years these families have shared a powerful rite of passage experience that had made it easy to stay connected and keep abreast of what’s going on for our sons.

Just last weekend we had a BBQ where we first talked with the boys (just a bit) about Schoolies, giving them the holidays to think about what they want to do. It’s fair enough they get to celebrate such a milestone AND how do they want to celebrate it is the next important conversation.

Generally there was a desire from the boys to go to schoolies (end of High School celebrations) at the Gold Coast (eastern seaboard beach party area of Australia) as ‘that’s what everyone else is doing’. But we have a conversation starter with the boys and we did talk about their options. They have time to think and they know we’ll be having another chat after the holidays.

As parents who attended schoolies ourselves, it can be easy to think it’s just a party and he’ll be alright. When viewing todays risks vs the risks we had, we begin to see the need for our village to be active around this and manage the risk.

This is getting the balance right between over-managing and just setting them off without any boundaries. As we say – boundaries show you care.

So given that our boys want to attend the Gold Coast Schoolies, our plan is currently as follows and I’ve no doubt this will evolve over the coming years. They only go if;

• We have the phone numbers of all the boys and their parents. Many phones get lost, damaged or the boys forget to recharge batteries, so we need multiple options to contact him. We already have each other’s numbers this far out, although there are a couple of families that are likely to be involved that we’ll include in subsequent conversations. Each day one of the boys must check-in at home and parents can then spread the word to the other families.

• They stick together and there is always someone not drinking. None of them will have a car. Alcohol is a big factor no doubt, and how much is enough is the key. This is where parental alcohol use at home comes into the equation. They boys are noticing alcohol and at some stage over the coming 2 years we’ll be introducing it to them in a controlled environment. We’re interested to see how that goes!

• Respect is the motto for the week. Respect for self, others and the environment/ property/ accommodation rules. Particularly we want them to be the sort of young men that would help someone in need, perhaps someone has overdone it and needs some help. What helping someone looks like is also part of the conversation as there can be a risk there too. Respect is also a great door-opener with a chat about drugs, sex and pretty much anything!

• The big one is that whilst there is so much excitement around finishing and celebrating the end of schooling, many can be quite anxious about it. Some get there and realise either they’re in over their heads or it’s just not their scene. We will be giving them a ‘get out free pass’ which means that any time day or night, no questions asked, we’ll come and get you.

At some stage over the next 2 years we’ll be discussing whether we write this up as a contract or hold a formal meeting where this is talked about and the boys agree to these rules of engagement for Schoolies/Parties etc.

Hopefully you can see the great need for a village or support network. We’d love to hear from any other parents as to how they have managed schoolies week.

Who’s in your village?

And as we grew up we learnt about life along the way, and we had experiences where we gradually understood that our parents didn’t know everything. In fact many teenagers go through a phase as their parents joke ‘ask them while they still know everything!’

Out the other side of this, we find ourselves as adults and there are these little people looking up at us with nothing but love and wonder in their eyes….

It’s a place of sobering power that warrants careful management. Yet in a world that seems to spin quicker and quicker, how many of us have the presence of mind to reflect on the big responsibility of how we use our power as parents? How many of us make mistakes along the way because of the pressure of time and money?

It is one of the biggest issues in our society… the misuse and abuse of power and it starts at home. We hear it all the time from the fathers we work with. Time poor. When we are bereft of the right amount of time, we eat fast, drive fast and often react rather than respond in situations. We have lost patience and then we abuse or misuse our power.

Well-meaning and intelligent parents make their biggest mistakes because of this. An error of judgement or simply unskilled is easily forgiven. But what if I know better and still make the same mistakes? ‘Too busy’ is all too often heard as an excuse.

Little people have vastly different agendas; they move at a different velocity to busy adults and this is where they can feel wrong or hurt when mum or dad gets annoyed or angry just because they are hurrying about. Busy mums and dads need to pause and be clear as to what is really important and be sure they use their power with respect and responsibility.

How do we use our power when we are time poor? As a quick fix solve the apparent problem. Rarely do we put our best foot forwards and often do our children and loved ones end up the poorer.

Power can look many ways and on a good day it can be kind and understanding. On a bad day it’s as though some idiot is at the wheel and we are on autopilot.

Some of the things our parents did will hopefully serve us well, but it is a different world and there are some things we did not get and some things we got that don’t serve us or anyone else. This is the nature of things, this is happening to our kids…. and so on it goes. Our task is to improve on our own experience to the best of our ability, knowing all along that we will inevitable hand on some gold and some ‘useless treasures’.

What can we do?

Firstly we need to be gentle with ourselves. Nothing will be gained by blaming ourselves. Consider moving forward with an ‘even better if’ motto.

It is important we cultivate a place inside that will catch yourself in the act and gently nudge us in the direction of authentic power.

Mostly we will realise we have made a mistake after the fact, and we have to make amends. Saying sorry to your kids is one of the best things you can do. When your kids do experience you displaying genuine remorse, and when they see you acknowledging that you got it wrong (and not give yourself a hard time) this models to them, healthy human behaviour.

This is real power.

Be honest with them. If they understand that you have a problem at work that is troubling you, they will show you one of the most beautiful things on this planet…. the empathy of a child. If you can be real and a bit vulnerable with them, you will be respecting them and they will respond in spades.

As your children get older you can use more detail. The content must match their level of development, both intellectually and emotionally.

Power over is clearly a display of powerlessness. Power to be real takes courage and is the only way forward for raising caring and aware children.

And as we grew up we learnt about life along the way, and we had experiences where we gradually understood that our parents didn’t know everything. In fact many teenagers go through a phase as their parents like to joke… ‘ask them while they still know everything!’
Out the other side of this, we find ourselves as adults and there are these little people looking up at us with nothing but love and wonder in their eyes….

Power

It’s a place of sobering power that warrants careful management. Yet in a world that seems to spin quicker and quicker, how many of us have the presence of mind to reflect on the big responsibility of how we use our power as parents? How many of us make mistakes along the way because of the pressure of time and money?

It is one of the biggest issues in our society… the misuse and abuse of power and it all starts at home. We hear it all the time from the fathers we work with…’I’m time poor’. When we are bereft of the right amount of time, we eat fast, drive fast and often react rather than respond in situations. We have lost patience and then we unwittingly abuse or misuse our power.

Well meaning and intelligent parents make their biggest mistakes because of this. An error of judgement or simply an unskilful moment is easily forgiven. But what if I know better and still make the same mistakes? ‘Too busy’ is all too often heard as an excuse.

Getting there

How do we use our power when we are time poor? Often it is as a quick-fix to solve the immediate issue standing between us and our goal. How often, when you ask how someone is going, do you hear ‘getting there’? Where is ‘there’? It is doubtful that anyone knows where ‘there’ really is; rather it seems more like a nebulous end to the big modern-day, hard-wired struggle. But the struggle seems to continue, it is seemingly endless. Maybe ‘there’ is the end of the day, perhaps it is the end of the week or even retirement could be the big ‘there’… maybe it is even death if we’re not careful.

When rushing around ‘getting there’, rarely do we put our best foot forwards and often our children and loved ones end up the poorer for our lack of attentiveness.

Little people have vastly different agendas; they move at a different velocity to busy adults. Perhaps it’s one reason why kids love their grandparents so much. They move at a similar speed so can relate to each other easily. Our precious children can feel wrong or hurt when mum or dad gets annoyed or angry just because they get in the way whilst their parents are scurrying about. Busy mums and dads need to pause and be clear as to what is really important, and be sure they use their power with respect and awareness.

Easier said than done!

Power can look many ways and on a good day it can be kind and wise. On a bad day it’s as though some idiot is at the wheel and we are on autopilot. This would be more than acceptable if our good days are 80-90% of the time. Truth is in most families this is far from an accurate number.

Useless Treasures

Some of the lessons our parents taught us will hopefully serve us well, but it is a different world and there are some things we did not get, and some lessons we got that don’t serve us or anyone else. This is the nature of things, this is happening to our kids…. and so on it goes. Our task is to improve on our own experience to the best of our ability, knowing all along that we will inevitably hand on some gold and some ‘useless treasures’. When stressed and rushed it is our useless treasures that come to the fore!

What can we do?

Firstly we need to get clear with our time and priorities. As CEO of The Energy Project, and author of Be Excellent at Anything, Tony Schwartz says…. ‘No is the new Yes’.

Schwartz says that ‘prioritizing requires reflection, reflection takes time, and many of the executives he meets are so busy racing just to keep up they don’t believe they have time to stop and think about much of anything.

Too often — and masochistically — they default to “yes.” Saying yes to requests feels safer, avoids conflict and takes less time than pausing to decide whether or not the request is truly important.

Truth be told, there’s also an adrenaline rush in saying yes. Many of us have become addicted, unwittingly, to the speed of our lives — the adrenalin high of constant busyness.’

We have mistaken activity for productivity.

Schwartz offers ‘Four Practices to Reprioritize Your Life’. And you can read and review his suggestions here… .

After hopefully a good priority review, we need to be gentle with ourselves. Nothing will be gained by blaming ourselves for past indiscretions.

Consider moving forward with an ‘even better if’ motto.

Real Power

It is important we cultivate a place inside that will ‘catch ourselves in the act’ and gently nudge us in the direction of authentic power.
Modifying our behaviour is ideal, however the reality is it will be either catching ourselves in the act OR most times we will realise we have made a mistake after the fact, and we then have to make amends.

Saying sorry to your kids is one of the best things you can do. When your kids experience you displaying genuine remorse, and when they see you acknowledging that you got it wrong (and not give yourself a hard time) is to model healthy human behaviour. And it gives them permission to be human and OK with their own mistakes.

This is real power.

Be honest with them. If they understand that you have a problem at work that is troubling you, they will show you one of the most beautiful things on this planet…. the empathy of a child. If you can be real and a bit vulnerable with them, you will be respecting them and they will respond in spades.

As your children get older you can use more detail. The content must match their level of development, both intellectually and emotionally.

‘Power over’ is clearly a display of powerlessness and an old way of controlling the environment. Power to be real takes courage and is the only way forward for raising caring and aware children.

Or that he might even be special in some way.

Invariably his father will give him quite the opposite. So instead of a blessing, the son receives a curse and then heads off into the world to discover who he is, typically through hard learnt lessons. He faces his demons, conquers fears and then returns home having learnt more about himself when challenged beyond his usual comforts and resources.

It’s a rite of passage and the hero’s journey that Joseph Campbell devoted his life to.

The reality is that whilst these old stories map a path, many never make it back home and are stuck in a life of continual separation and challenge. Without true wisdom and guidance from older adults and elders the boy will drift rudderless through life.

The great irony and challenge is that there is a window of opportunity for fathers to bless their sons and this time is often amplified when we need to look harder for the blessing.

The teenage years!

Despite appearances, our teenage boys need the blessing of their father AND other men. At the same time they are separating from the family unit with one eye on the world and their beckoning freedom. They are no longer that wide-eyed and curious explorer of life. They may have hair over their face, earphones in and a hoodie…. they’ll also do things to their room so no parent would want to enter it!

They may even smell.

It’s a tough time for Dad’s to make a vital and very necessary shift in their parenting… and many teenage boys receive a curse instead of a blessing. If Dads don’t make changes in how they relate to their teenage sons, his natural separation and maturation will be significantly impeded.

Fathers really need to ‘get this’.

The ‘Sergeant Major’ or the ‘Voice of God’ will not work anymore and quite frankly is embarrassing for everyone. There is much evidence today to support what cultures through time have known… that the child’s maturation is directly linked to the adults around him… that change is required from all.

This is why we LOVE this work. To support families to embrace and trust change is critical and so needed.

In our soon to be released ‘What Makes Men Tick Story Library’ we ask 2 questions at the end and surprising to us is how consistent the answers.

Try it for yourself…

….Imagine that you are 97 and have lived a full life… You know a thing or 2 about the business of being human. Sitting beside you is the 14 year old you with his (or her) whole life ahead of him. What would the 97 year old you say to the 14 year old you? Not what you think he wants to hear, but what does the 97 year old want the 14 year old to know.

Before you read on, what is your answer? Take some time before you read on…

Whilst the answers have their own flavour, in most occasions the words are ‘You’ll be OK.’ That 14 year old was looking forward with uncertainty and trepidation.

“Will I find love, will I be successful… Will life work out for me?”

Parents…. get connected to that and you’ll go a long way with your kids.

We were expecting a variety of answers and have been surprised at how consistent the responses have been. Like this one;

What is your wish for the children of today?

Think about it…

The answers are regular that they want young people to ‘belong’ to something, to have community, to have strong bonds… friends that don’t just like you for your Xbox games. Friends and community that will listen to you and value your opinions and people close to you who will allow you to talk about your troubles.

Amazing… and it makes sense.

So as Father’s Day approaches…. Dad’s, will it be a blessing or a curse for your boy(s)?

Some mums continue to care for their sons way past what is considered healthy. Sons will be happy to accommodate their mums cooking, cleaning, and ironing for them as long as possible. This is quite dangerous these days as fewer and fewer young women will tolerate a partner who needs mothering. Our young men really need to know how to look after themselves. Their quality of future partner is directly affected by this.

Perhaps you have heard women sometimes jokingly speak of their ‘4 kids, 3 of which they gave birth to and the other one they married?’ Mothers, if you want your son to find healthy relationships, it is here that you have tremendous influence. He needs to learn that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand.

Mothering a dependent child and mothering a young adult are 2 very different things. The love between a mother and her adult son is quite a special thing and this change in the relationship requires much awareness of the big picture and it needs to be taken gradually and with trust. It requires great love and it often requires setting aside your feelings of being disrespected or unimportant. He does love you but these feelings are often packed away for a while. Most are becoming interested in girls so it can be very confusing for them to be cuddling you and telling you their every secret like they used to. This pulling away is necessary and normal.

Unfortunately if he tells you that you’re a bad mum, or such and such’s mother does this or that… then this shows you are doing a fine job!

Don’t be afraid to talk about it

Setting aside feelings and keeping busy can only work for so long. Hopefully you will know the parents of your son’s friends. A good idea is to make sure you have reasonable relations with them. It can come in very handy especially when it comes to issues like schoolies week. You might find a kindred spirit and a friendly ear. Sometimes it is tough and just talking about it is enough. You don’t actually need to change anything, just have a safe harbour or two to defrag or download the latest challenges and concerns. It is good way to unburden yourself, will help you feel a bit lighter AND maybe take the pressure off your relationship if you have other avenues for support. Boys and men can only handle so many words so if you have a good outlet then it can mean you don’t use so many words at home and can ‘cut to the chase’…. and boys love this!

Fathers

Busy Dad’s need to know that this window of opportunity definitely includes him. But they must beware! Our work with Dad’s is to stop him charging in like a knight in shining armour… this will not work. Your son is no longer a boy and Dad needs to change his relationship with him too. Speaking with him needs to come from genuine concern and interest in understanding what is happening… and knowing when to back off too.

Other older men in your son’s life – Important for Mothers without Partners

Women seem to instinctively know that older males need to step up here. Many men and boys in our programs are there because of women encouraging them. Active older men are really important. Uncles, grandfathers, family friends, teachers and sports coaches come into play here. Making a firm and spoken commitment to the boy is important and need not be too intense. A simple acknowledgement of seeing that the boy has reached this stage and a willingness to share what that age was like for him goes a long way. It must be kept real and not all bravado. What was tough about it? What were the challenges? How did you feel? There are many ways to do this so men need be creative with this and be ready when the opportunities present themselves. There are lots of ideas for this in our new book.

If uncles or grandfathers are distant then a letter can be written with a small symbolic gift, just to say ‘I see you and I’m here.’

The ‘What Makes Men Tick’ Video and Audio Library

For single mums we are building a video and audio library of men’s stories that can be shared with your son. These stories are not your average stories; they are an insight into the inner world of a wide variety of men. Many boys today don’t relate to men, they see them racing around in their busyness and importance, they have money and power and for some this is all they think there is to being a man. For some boys they simply don’t want to grow up and be like that, so why grow up? Stories help boys see themselves as men and realise that men are indeed human with feelings and needs, challenges and struggles. It connects them to their masculinity and potential. Stay tuned! We are excited by this and not just for boys without dads.

A Rite of Passage

Our Raising Teenage Boys book is a resource jam-packed with strategies and information to support his and your healthy transition. It maps out in detail one thing we highly recommend – A Rite of Passage. Whilst we do run these events it is not accessible to everyone so we are excited to offer this resource. A Rite of Passage is the one thing you really must do for your son (and his parents!).

Previous two Mothers and Teenage Boys blog posts are accessible here – Post #1 and Post #2.

Consider that he is undergoing such a massive transformation that he does not understand. It is important that you as a mother understand what is going on for him. Encouraging his independence and supporting him to take more responsibility is key here.

With understanding we hope mums can see this phase for what it is, and to not take it personally. This cannot be overstated. Mums please hear this – it is not about you. Please do not take it personally and please review your expectations of how you think his teenage years should look. It can often be a messy time and handling the mess with as much grace and dignity is the vital.

His brain is reconstructing unevenly and his amygdala (emotional centre) is maturing at a much faster rate than his frontal lobes (planning and impulse control). It’s a recipe for trouble!

What this means is he is hard-wired for excitement, stimulus, socialising, romance, risk and believe it or not he learns from his emotions and experiences more than from the sedentary nature of school. School can become a real drag and his motivation can take a dive. He may even look depressed and many teenagers report a drop in happiness. His impulse control and planning (frontal lobes) are out-to-lunch. Perhaps this explains much of his often surly and eruptive behaviour. He has little sense of consequences and is quite simply out of control at times. It can appear as though chaos rules – so if you think he is losing his mind you are quite correct (just don’t lose yours too!).

Geelong Grammar has their famous Timber Tops program (famously attended by Prince Charles) where the boys in year 9 are required to live out in nature for an entire year (coming home on holidays) and they must rely on each other. Failure to chop wood means no warm food, failure to cooperate results in challenging relations. The school is very proud of this program as they understand that something different is required at this time. They will tell you that the students with the most resistance and difficulties are the ones to get the most out of it.

Handling Change

Increasing discipline and arguing with him at this stage is often counter-productive. There are no winners in this approach. It is perhaps best to reflect on this time from the bigger picture. In the years ahead, how proud will you feel about how you handled this time in your life?

It is this time in the life of mammals that the young males leave the family group and do in fact go off on their own. They may join a gang of other males all waiting to fully mature, or they may head off into the never-never alone for a period of time, learning to fight and on the lookout for females!

Perhaps this feels like what is going on for many mothers… he is leaving. There is a tendency to believe that all will be lost. Grief is a natural part of this stage for mothers.

Identity

He is indeed heading out into the world to discover who he is. His need and drive to do this is perfectly normal. Wise parents encourage this and can ignore much of the difficult behaviour because they know and trust this is a necessary phase.

How we manage this as parents is important. It is very easy to damage the relationship for a long time and his phase in the wilderness can go from 2 years to 20 years. We have heard many stories like this from men on our programs and it is very helpful for boys to hear their stories of this.

The big blind spot here is that this is a time of identity for the mother also. Many mums have their identity understandably wrapped up in the role of mother and this is often an unwanted opportunity to look at ‘who am I’ for mothers. It can be confusing and it can be scary.

In Part 3 we will be looking at what mums can do to support his future relationships.

Access the 3rd and final Mothers and Teenage Boys blog post here. You can also access our first post here.